Canada takes it up the ass, asks for more

Canada and the U.S. signed a deal yesterday to put an end to the long-simmering trade dispute over softwood lumber. As if this in itself isn't fascinating enough, there's a dimension to this particular agreement that really pisses me off:

Canada already won this dispute. The U.S. lost, but they refused to pay compensation. So Canada caved and re-negotiated, agreeing to a new deal that has the entire Canadian forestry industry up in arms.

I'm not an expert on business news. Quite frankly, anything to do with the exchange of capital from one group of greedy bastards to another bores the shit out of me. But what I do know is that the U.S. for the last several years has slapped punitive import duties on Canadian softwood lumber, to the tune of $4 billion, citing unfair government subsidization.

Canada took the U.S. to the NAFTA panel, and won. The U.S. appealed, and we still won.
Canada took the U.S. to the World Trade Organization and won. They appealed, and we still won.

Get the picture?

The previous federal Liberal government refused to budge. This is a battle we won. Period. And we were going to get what was coming to us, namely all our duties back.

Enter the new Conservative government, and David Emerson, the former Liberal who saw which way the wind was blowing and defected to the Conservatives. No sooner was he in with the new government that he asked the U.S. to negotiate. He did, and we settled -- for much less than we are entitled to.

We took it up the ass, and now we're asking for more.

"What we've avoided today is further litigation for a long period of time," resulting in "a period of certainty and stability for the Canadian industry," Canadian Trade Minister David Emerson told CBC News.

Oh, okay, that makes sense. Instead of giving up a fight you've morally and legally already won, it's better just to give up.

Welcome to your Conservative years.

Peter MacKay A Cheap Date

Stellarton, NS - Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay is a "cheap date", according to sources who witnessed the Conservative MP taking his U.S. counterpart to an area Tim Horton's.

Local retired curmudgeon Hank Andrews, 64, was enjoying his morning double-double and was shocked when MacKay and Condoleeza Rice walked in.

"I mean, with all that money and all, and he's got to take her to the Horton's? Seems pretty cheap to me. What they American's gonna think about us here?"

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is on a three-day visit to Nova Scotia to thank local residents for their assistance to stranded American travelers in the days following 9/11.

The impromptu Tim Horton's visit began, according to an insider, when MacKay was afraid his American Express card would be declined at Halifax's prestigious Le Figaro restaurant. Having only $4.36 in his pocket, he opted for a less-expensive lunch and covered it up with a promise to show Ms. Rice some "local flavour".

The visit was marred, however, when the counter staff mixed up the order.

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but Ms. Rice actually ordered a bagel with raspberry cream cheese and a french vanilla coffee. Instead we gave her four honey crullers. It happens from time to time," explained Elaine Benoit, who served the pair. "I just think that if her only experience with Canadians is here at Tim Horton's, I sure hope she doesn't think we can't get anything right."

And what did she think of Mr. MacKay?

"The bill came to $4.12. He paid with a lot of pennies, then asked for a receipt."

Bush blames Michael Moore, Al Gore, cast of 'Friends' for 9/11

New York - In a shocking turn of events, U.S. President George W. Bush has shifted the blame for 9/11 squarely to what he calls the "new Axis of Evil" - filmmaker Michael Moore, former vice-president Al Gore, and the entire cast of the sitcom "Friends".

Speaking at the fifth anniversary remembrance ceremony at Ground Zero, Bush promised that all of America's resources would be "brought to bear to bring these enemies of freedom to justice".

"Intelligence reports have established these individuals as terrorists who are actively plotting to bring tyranny to America. They hate freedom with all their hearts. They hate America," said Bush. "As a consequence of their actions, our Homeland Security agents are pursuing these freedom-haters at this very moment."

Although sketchy on evidence, Bush's speech outlined a bewildering plot in which filmmaker Michael Moore used his films "Roger & Me" and "Bowling for Columbine" to "destabilize America's liberties, freedoms and corporate values through his traitorous liberal anti-freedom propaganda". Together with then-vice-president Al Gore, who attempted to "bring tyranny to the world and destroy America's freedom-loving industrial sector" by signing the Kyoto Accord, the pair "represent the worst sort of tyranny and hatred of freedom that any terrorist could display."

"My fellow Americans, these two individuals used their positions to undermine American society and open the door for Al-Qaeda to launch their attacks on this very spot five years ago. They are directly responsible for 9/11."

Bush further blamed the cast of the popular '90s sitcom "Friends" for encouraging Saddam Hussein to produce weapons of mass destruction.

"I understand from CIA operatives that Saddam Hussein was a huge fan of the show. And what did he learn? He learned that Americans are more concerned with Rachel's hair and Ross' infidelities than defending their country from freedom and tyranny. He realized that he could create his weapons of mass destruction freely and openly, in the face of America, and know that America's resolve would falter."

Bush refused to elaborate further, noting that Homeland Security officials would divulge more details at a press conference to be held at 3:00pm EDT.

When asked if the entire cast of "Friends" was implicit, Bush remarked that he thought Phoebe was likely duped and therefore innocent. "But we'll find out when she gets to Guantanamo, won't we?"

Case clear for Iran invasion: Cheney

Washington - U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney said today that President Bush's revelation that Michael Moore, Al Gore and the cast of "Friends" are responsible for 9/11 is a "damning indictment" of Iran and demonstrates that the time has come for an invasion of that country.

"To me, there's no question. Iran must pay the price," Cheney told Fox News.

"What you have is a liberal filmmaker who has been constantly critical of this administration. You have a former vice-president who not only dared question the integrity of our sitting President, but who also engages in fear-mongering by exaggerating the threat of global warming. And to top it all off, you have a bunch of actors who distracted America from the war on terror. Sounds like an open and shut case for regime change in Iran, don't you think?"

Alleged 'Friends' 9/11 plotter bewildered at charge

Los Angeles - Former "Friends" star Matthew Perry expressed incredulity at charges he was party responsible for 9/11 today as federal agents arrested him in his Hollywood home.

"Could Bush be more insane?" he shouted while being taken into custody by heavily-armed Homeland Security forces.

The Canadian-born Perry portrayed Chandler Bing in the popular sitcom "Friends".

Authorities would not divulge where the actor was being taken. However, an anonymous source indicated Perry may have been put on a private aircraft destined for a CIA prison in Europe.

Homeland Security spokesman Randy Morrison confirmed that five other castmates from the show are still at large, although Matt LeBlanc is already in custody on charges of crimes against humanity for his failed sitcom "Joey."

Rumsfeld says Democrats next

Washington - Speaking on the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on America, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned Democrats that they may also be named in President George W. Bush's "new Axis of Evil".

"Democrats should really be careful at this point," Rumsfeld told a group of arms industry executives. "The President has made it abundantly clear that anyone espousing anti-Bush sentiments will be viewed as anti-American."

As usual, Mr. Rumsfeld asked himself his own questions in lieu of holding a press conference.

"Is it a perfect situation? Of course not", said Rumsfeld. "Is it going to help the President fight the war on terror? Well, certainly, in my mind. Will it be good for the American people? Yes it will. Will Democrats like it? No, they won't."

Pentagon officials could not be reached for comment.

New Bin Laden tape rips 'American Idol' judge

AMMAN - A new audio tape apparently featuring the voice of Osama Bin Laden has surfaced on the Al-Jazeera network, ostensibly to commemorate the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the tape is a 23-minute tirade against American Idol judge Simon Cowell.

"O heathens of the world, against the mighty Allah, against the God of all kings," says the voice in Arabic. "You have chosen as your king a false idol, this Simon Cowell, this evil-doer, this monster of men, this smiter of singers."

According to a high-level CIA source, reports out of Pakistan indicate that Bin Laden was livid when singer Bo Rice was eliminated from last year's talent competition.

"O, you who thinks he knows how to sing. Allah, be wise to this man; for he is but the ass of a donkey and the rectum of a goat."

National Security Agency analysts have yet to positively confirm the voice as that of Osama Bin Laden's.

Harper marks 9/11 by copying everything Bush does

OTTAWA - Prime minister Stephen Harper marked the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks by copying everything U.S. President George Bush did and said.

Harper began the day at Ottawa's Central Experimental Farm, where he lay a wreath and observed a minute of silence while pretending to be at Ground Zero.

"Our country is proud of you. All Americans thank you for the sacrifice made by the Fire Department of New York," Harper said to a crowd of chickens standing in for New York fire fighters.

Later, at an emotional ceremony on Parliament Hill, Harper hugged a group of his staffers, standing in for 9/11 widows. "All American thoughts are with you today," he said.

According to PMO staff, Harper has no immediate plans to cease pretending to be Bush.